No Sex! I’m on Strike!!!

“I'm on strike!”

“I didn't know you’re a government worker.  I thought you are self-employed.”

“I might as well be a civil servant, but that is not the kind of strike I am on.”

“Ok?” I sat back patiently waiting for Maya to explain further.  Seriously, I thought we had been making progress since her admission of some of her problems and the realization of the implications of her sexless marriage.  Frankly, the petulance with which she sat in front of me was cause for concern.  Whoever her employer was, I bet they were in for a fight. 

“Maya?” I asked gently, “Unless, you’re preparing to fight me, kindly take that look off your face and let me know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m not getting ready to fight you!” She said with a pout.  “I’m just tired.  Everything and everyone is either stressing me out or aggravating my stress!”

“Ok…What has happened since the last time we spoke?”

“Well…” She straightened in her chair.  “So, since we discussed body image and how it affects or promotes my libido, I’ve been working on some of the things you told me.  In fact, the exercises in addition to being nice to myself, is really helping me feel and stay positive.”  She paused as if trying to find the right words.  “The difficulty is however, that there is always work to do.  Trust me; managing three kids in addition to making sure that the business stays afloat in this crazy economy is making me lose my mind.”

Even as I opened my mouth to ask a question, she shook her head and continued.

“It’s almost as if, everything and everyone is out to get me. Even the traffic on our main road has doubled recently.  I seem to be running around from morning to evening and I get to bed extremely tired.  How am I supposed to have and enjoy sex this way?”

“Have you spoken to Ben about this?” I asked gingerly, sensing she was expecting me to ask her that particular question. 

She practically pounced on me.  “Don’t even go there Araba.  He’s the biggest part of my stress!  I’m not getting help in any way from him.  When I complain about running around with the children, he tells me to get an extra help.  When I complain about the business, he tells me to close the shop and stay at home, and that there is enough money to take care of us in two life times…  He trivializes all my problems and that in itself is my biggest stress!!!”

“So, if I may ask, what has this got to do with a strike?”

“Everything!  Really!  I told Ben last night that until I am able to deal with all these issues and resolve my strike…or until he comes up with a better solution than the ones he’s been suggesting then I’m on STRIKE!!! NO SEX!!!”  She said emphatically, adding conviction to an internal decision.

Ok, we’ll go back to my conversation with Maya another time.  For now, let me shed some light on stress and sex.  Apart from instinctively knowing this, research has shown that stress can impact negatively on your sex drive and in effect aggravate your stress. 

Using Maya as a case study, let’s see how stress affects us in the area of bedmatics… By definition “Stress is a normal physical response to events that make you feel threatened or upset your balance in some way. When you sense danger—whether it’s real or imagined—the body's defenses kick into high gear in a rapid, automatic process known as the “fight-or-flight-or-freeze” reaction, or the stress response.”

‘Stress Response’ and Sex:  When you react to stress, your body releases hormones like cortisol and epinephrine or adrenaline to help you deal with the stress.  If this happens overtime and this response is not reversed, these hormones can interfere with the hormones involved in your sexual response. 

Araba’s 411:  Easy!  Consider stress management.  The internet abounds with resources to help you manage your stress, including avoiding the things that cause the stress, altering the environment, adapting to the situation and accepting the situation.  Other techniques like breathing exercises, relaxation and getting enough rest also help.

Busy lifestyles and Sex:  Most women, no offense to you guys, find ourselves busier that we ever thought possible.  Juggling our multiple responsibilities of motherhood, careers, homemakers and individuals is wahala!!!  The rigor of being constantly busy leads to very little me-time which means low energy which equals low libido.  And trust me guys…most of the time, I’m tired is not an excuse.  I’m tired is really what it is…I AM TIRED!

Araba’s 411:  This is a tough one…especially because I’ve not followed the advice I’m going to give…but, here goes.  Reduce your busyness.  Motherhood is a busy gig, but we have to cut back on some of the 1001 activities we tend to do in a day to make time for our extra curricula activities…  We have to learn to say no…no to some of the social responsibilities society places on us.  Do you really have to go for that engagement of that friend who is really just an acquaintance?  Learn to say No!

Relationship Stress and Sex:  Conflicts within your marriage can sometimes be the greatest form of stress that affects your libido.  In Maya’s case, Ben’s trivialization of her stress was a bigger libido killer than all the other stresses.  An issue to be handled differently but even the way we communicate need and affection in our relationship can be a bigger source of stress between men and women. 

Araba’s 411:  The easiest response here (because it is a minefield) is to work on your communication.  You know, talking is one of the few things I totally believe in when it comes to relationships.  Talk through the problems – for Maya, communicate that you think he is trivializing your issues.  Try to see your challenges as a joint thing instead of an individual problem.  Then you can resolve it as a unit. 

Although Maya left my office still determined to continue her strike action, at least she agreed to sit down with the ‘employer’ to discuss her terms and to find an amicable solution to call off the strike.