I'm Really Hurting

The first time I met Amanda I envied her.  Trust me, I looked at her and wondered why that wasn’t me.  She was strikingly beautiful without been too conscious about it.  She was well-groomed and had every hair in place, plus she was very rich and classy.

Our first two sessions were pretty strained.  You see, I had a block.  My mind couldn’t accept how someone who looked like Amanda and had everything she had could have problems.  She had a thriving business which she built herself, married a God-fearing entrepreneur and Pastor who was also very ‘dosted’ and had two wonderful well-mannered children.  What more could she possibly want?  On her part, she was responding to my block.  She had met that particular block at several points in her life but really needed someone she could talk to.  I guess that’s why she kept coming back. 

During our third she confronted me on my attitude.  At one point of the session, she asked if she could speak frankly.  When I responded in the affirmative, she went on to tell me how tired she was of my condescending attitude.  According to her, she was tired of being treated like the poor rich girl. 

“All my life, I’ve lived with terrible hurt and abuse and unimaginable things that should not happen to anyone and I’ve not been able to do anything about it.  Everywhere I’ve tried to seek help, people tend to think that because I look like I do and have everything I do, my problems are less than anyone else’s or that I should not complain because at least I am pretty and have money.  Madam, I’m really tired and need help otherwise the alternative is to end it all.  Can you please look past what I am and help me?”

Trust me, I was completely ashamed of myself.  The bigger shame was that I could even be professional enough because I assumed.  Assumed she shouldn’t have a problem.  Assumed she was okay because she was well put together… 

The truth of the matter is that, most of us look at the surface and quickly pass judgment.   If someone is smart and confident, they are ‘too known’.  If they smile and don’t get angry easily, they are fine.  If we can’t explain how someone who was poor has become rich, they are thieves or are doing drugs.  If some young girl came into a company and started rising very quickly, they are definitely doing the boss.  We hardly ever look beyond the surface. 

Our narrow-minded judgments do a lot of serious damage without us realizing our wrongs.  We pass our judgment, walk away and leave a trail of hurts behind us.  Unfortunately, the people put in various positions of help are also susceptible to this attitude.  The pastor, counselor, psychologist, doctor, lawyer, etc. are all ready not to look too closely beyond the surface. 

As I went forward to work with Amanda, I realized that under the veneer of polish, money and class lay a deep scar of pain, abuse and fear.  Something she had lived with all her life.  She had always tried to reach out for help, but everyone, including her very close friends and family had always swept her problems away as being minor – because she maintained an outward calm.  She was at the point of suicide and no one had released it because she was skilled and living on the surface and convincing everyone she was fine.

Next time you have a chance to be of help, please don’t pass judgment.  There are a lot of people hurting out there.  

Written by:  Hannah Araba Opoku Gyamfi