Marriage 101: Start with the Ground Rules…

Last weekend, I heard the story of a new wife (3 days into marriage) – who was informed by her angry husband that “…don’t even think of using that washing machine to do your laundry…no laziness would be tolerated in this house!”   The young Mrs., not wanting to make a fuss, removed her stuff from the washing machine and went outside to hand-wash her things. 

How do you think this marriage is going to progress? 

For any facilitator worth their salt, one of the first things to do in any class or group discussion is to set ground rules.  There’s a very good reason for this… One social justice website[1] puts it this way,  …“a vital first step is the development of guidelines for participation. These guidelines, often referred to as "ground rules" or "community norms," should provide the community within a workshop or class a framework to ensure open, respectful dialogue and maximum participation.” 

I’m very sure that if there are any sets of rules that any couple would love to typify their marriage, it would be to ensure that the underlined statement- open, respectful dialogue and maximum participation – is true of their relationship and home.

So, my question is… “Did we establish the ground rules for our marriage at the very beginning?” 

Here is my theory; most marriages today are plagued with very abnormal behavior because the couple involved did not take the time to deliberately set the rules that will govern the relationships or their families. 

This then creates a home environment where issues that arise are dealt with in isolation and do not go to consolidate a particularly defined culture or go to develop a bad culture. 

It is the bold woman who can stand up to the kind of husband defined in my little scenario and say… “Sorry, hunny, but I seriously do not think you should take that tone on me and I also believe that the purpose of that washing machine is to help me wash…” But that is piece for another day.

So…back to my point.  All courting couples and newly married couples should start (and continue – especially when you kids start growing) developing basic rules that will set the culture in their homes.

Examples of Widely Used Ground Rules

The following are some ground rules that are often used in workshops and classroom that can be adapted for our homes and marriages!

1. Listen actively -- respect others when they are talking.  Most couples after sometime stop listening to each other.  Mostly it’s because we think we know how the other person thinks…  That may be true, but it is also important that we also listen, it shows respect.

2. Do not be afraid to respectfully challenge one another by asking questions, but refrain from personal attacks -- focus on ideas. – Just that!

3. Participate to the fullest of your ability – the growth of the relationship depends on the inclusion of every individual voice.  Really, give your all to the relationship!

4. The goal is not to agree -- it is to gain a deeper understanding.  Seek to understand the point of view of your partner.  Remember you are different people, being one doesn’t mean being the same!

5. Do not criticize one another -- it’s always easy to find fault with others, but try and remember that criticism hardly ever changes a person.  You just put their defenses up and make them dig in.

6. Do not hijack all conversations -- some people just love being in control!  Men!  It is okay to sometimes let your wives be in charge…it works for your benefit!

My personal favorite…(especially in today’s info crazy world)

       7.       Do not post private thoughts’ and questions on your ‘home’ issues publicly! 

The list goes on and on…

Frankly, even for those who’ve been married for very long, this could be a very rewarding and fun exercise for not just you and your partner but the whole family…

So in the name of fun and love, this weekend,

• Set a workshop for your family. 
• Bring out the flip chart and markers 
• Have a frank discussion with the family what the ground rules should be.
• Type out the rules and get everyone to sign unto them…
• Then frame it and put it somewhere visible…

It will help a great deal!!!

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[1] http://www.edchange.org/multicultural/activities/groundrules.html