When your words are hurtful…

Adjoa stood by the kitchen sink overlooking the yard with silent tears running down her face.  She was still mulling over Kwesi’s outburst a couple of days ago and wondering exactly what she had done to deserve being spoken to like that.  Was she such a bad wife?  was it something she had done or said?

She knew he was under pressure in the office and all, and that the doctor’s confirmation the previous week that they were unsuccessful again trying to conceive had affected both of them.  But none of that really necessitated the outburst.

 Playing back the scene in her mind, she remembered laughingly informing him when he entered the house that dinner was going to be late for a few minutes since she’d gotten in only a while ago.  His response had been a shock…

Kwesi:   “…really, Adjoa, really!  Can’t you ever do anything right!  What will it take to get a simple "*#%&.!” food on the table”!

Adjoa:  “But…Kwesi…”

Kwesi: “save it!”  You are never on time to fix a simple plate, and always have an excuse or response for everything you do.  If you think it’s too much for you to handle your simple wifely duties, you can consider going back to your father’s house.  After all, we don’t have any kids to complicate the process!...”

I have come to realize that whereas a random insult from a stranger could easily be brushed away, a hurtful word from the one you love could break your spirit and hurt for years. 

Most married couples are guilty of slowly but surely killing the spirits of our partners with hurtful words that chip at not only our marriages, but at the very psyche. 

The bible tells us in Proverbs 12:18 that “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” 

If you are not careful, your careless words will keep on thrusting into the heart of your partner, and if you’re not careful, very soon you will bleed them out of every love and feelings they may have had for you.

So, if there is anything you can do with regards to hurtful words, then avoid these five words at all costs in your marriage…

"Never." "Never" implies a sense of hopelessness and finality. When you use "never," you're telling your spouse that they are no good, will never be any good and that there's no hope for change. It's an all-or-nothing phrase that does not lend itself to listening, compromising and creating good will.

"Always." "Always" implies a sense of rigidity and righteousness. When you use "always," you're telling your spouse that they are wrong, you are right, and that there's nothing that can be done about it. It's also an all-or-nothing phrase, and it does not lend itself to understanding, learning, or healing.

"But." "But" implies a sense of manipulation and a lack of integrity. When you use "but," you negate whatever was said before. It invalidates your message and turns a positive statement into a negative one. It's a conjunction that does not lend itself to building trust, credibility and intimacy. Similar words to avoid include "however" and "although."

 "*#%&." Use your imagination and fill in the blank and what you're left with is a vulgar, obscenity-laced attack. Any way you look at it, attacking your spouse by name-calling will cause irreparable damage. Doing this regularly will surely destroy your spouse's soul and kill the marriage. Outright contempt has no place in a marriage.

"Divorce." Threatening to divorce, suggesting divorce as an option, or accusing your spouse of destroying the marriage will lead to just that. A divorce is a very serious decision, and using it as a weapon or method of control creates anxiety and despair. It's not conducive for effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving, or intimacy.

So whatever you do, please take the extra time to pause and think of the words you use on your spouse and your children, because your words may be having the same effect as a sword on them…

Reference:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/20/marriage-problems-5-words_n_3295799.html