Sex and Poor Body Image

So, in my last post, I told you about how I responded to a call from my friend Maya who was very distraught about her sex life.  Yeah, go ahead and laugh – the poor woman wasn’t getting some on a regular basis and that was driving her nuts.  Okay, back to point – Maya thought that it was either that Ben, her husband of eight years was cheating on her or that there was something wrong with her. 

After talking with her for a while, we identified a number of things that could be affecting their sex life and decided to take time to discuss them individually.  For Maya, one of the first issues we had identified was the image she had of herself.

Body Image and Sex:

Psych website ‘Psychology Today’, defines body image as “the mental representation we create of what we think we look like.”  This may or may not bear a close relation to how others actually see us. Very often, our body image is subject to all kinds of distortion from internal elements like our emotions, moods, early childhood experiences, attitudes of our parents, and much more. Nevertheless, it strongly influences our behavior in a lot of ways.  Preoccupation with and distortions of body image are a key cause of various eating disorders among both young and older women. 

Research has shown that many women are dissatisfied with their bodies and how they look like.  This dissatisfaction makes it very difficult for them to enjoy a lot of things including sex.  When you are conscious of how you look, becoming naked before another person, especially someone as close as a partner is a very difficult thing for fear of being judged. 

Back to the case of Maya – After three children, a lot of changes have occurred in her body.  Maya currently has a port-belly in place of her once very firm and sexy abs.  Being a very good mother, her breasts have gone south after breastfeeding three children.  Altogether she’s gained quite some weight and is not as slim and trim as she once was.  The major problem however, is how she sees herself.  For the most part, Maya feels fat, and stressed and not as put-together as she would wish to be.  She constantly puts herself down when Ben complements her and thinks he only does it so that she would not feel bad. 

  
This does not bode well for intimacy. As difficult as it is to open up to someone, it's even harder when you feel desperate to hide part of yourself, particularly in the bedroom.  Studies have indicated that embarrassment about how one looks can lead to the avoidance of physical intimacy and therefore reduce sexual satisfaction.  For some women, they may start having sex with the lights off and in some cases their cloths on to avoid the perceived censorship.  In the case of Maya, if this avoidance continues, then the other party may be tempted to step out of the house to satisfy their needs.  

According to Ann Kearney-Cooke, PhD, director of the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute, "women with poor body image don't initiate sex as often, and they're more self-conscious." She is of the view that "Sexual intimacy involves the sharing of your innermost essence with another person, and being able to pay attention to yourself as well as to your partner." If you're preoccupied with your bod and keep on thinking “is my stomach sticking out? Has he noticed the stretch marks on my butt?”you obviously won't be focusing on his desires or yours, or be present in the moment. It's like having a third, unwelcome person in the room: you, your lover, and your stretch mark. How intimate is that? 

The problem with poor body image is that it is psychological and often rooted in our very early development during childhood, making it very difficult to deal with.  However, the following points could help you become less conscious of yourself especially in the area of sex and pleasing your partner:

• What’s your definition of beauty?:  Most people judge themselves on what the media defines beauty to be.  Remember that there are very different body shapes, sizes, and skin tones and yours is one of them.  Stop comparing yourself with other people, they are not you!

• Focus on what you like most about your body:  Everybody has a good feature.  Really!  In developing a healthy body image, find out what your best features enjoy them.  It could be great eyes, great calves, or lovely toes. 

• Look at yourself fully!:  Most of us take various body parts and stress over it.  It’s either your breast are too little or your stomach is too big.  Well, girlfriend, you really need to look at your body as a whole and not by body parts.  Remember to look at yourself fully in the mirror whenever you dress-up.  It’s the overall body that matter not the parts.

• Be Nice to Yourself:  Always remember the power of positive thinking and confession.  Instead of consistently putting yourself down and telling yourself, you are fat or skinny, you are ugly or an air-head or whatever creative insult you can come up with, tell yourself that you’re beautiful, confident, and stylish!

• Exercise:  Spend some time exercising and believe me, apart from actually getting into shape, exercises make you feel a whole lot better about yourself while improving your general mental state.  

Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made:  I don’t know what better sums things up than the scripture in Psalm 139:13 - 14 - "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” It is this knowledge that sparks a certain confidence and makes you shine in spite of your physical flaws.