Its gets better with age…
In my last blog, Marriage
101: The low down on making IT
work!!! Araba’s 411!, I’d written
about our experiences in eight years of marriage and some of the things I’ve
come to learn over that time. One of the
things I’d mentioned was the fact for Nana and I, things have gotten better
with time.
Surprising enough, just the other day, I came across an article
that seems to shed some more light on this…
Whiles I read this article, I was reminded of Tuckman & Jenson’s
“Five Stages of Team Building” and realized how we can draw parallels between
the stages of team building and our marriages…So in one of my rear academic
moments (they don’t come very often) I’ve summarized the five stages of
group/team building as:
Stage One: Forming
Basic Question: Why are we
here?
Basic Characteristics: Showcasing clear differences, little work
accomplished, leadership challenged, feelings of anxiety and confusion
Marriage Comparison: The new culture? To decide or discuss. Who does what at
home?
Main sentiments: Okay…so how
come I didn’t notice this….nature? Hmmm…what
have I gotten myself into?
Advice: Talk! Work
to overcome the tensions. Respect each
other’s opinions. Have a goal as a couple and work through to accomplish it
(them).
Stage Two: Storming
Basic Question: Can we work
together?
Basic
Characteristics: More conflicts emerge
as members negotiate tasks. Instability.
Marriage Comparison: Who’s
the head? Don’t Challenge my
authority. Who manages the finances and
how?
Main Sentiments: This is tougher than I realized. Will we make it?
Advice: Talk! Bring
conflicts out in the open and deal with them.
Learn to work together.
Stage Three: Norming
Basic Question: How will we work together?
Basic Characteristics: Rules
created, team pride develops, norms established for how people treat each
other.
Marriage Comparison: We now
understand each other. Well, that is how
he/she is! I take care of this, and you take care of that.
Main
Sentiments: It’s not so bad after all.
Advice: Talk! Deepen
understanding and share opinions. Evaluate
each other critically and constructively.
Stage Four: Performing
Basic Question: How can we work smarter?
Basic Characteristics: Team
becomes more functional and creative. Works
faster and better on tasks. Shares leadership and responsibility easily.
Marriage
Comparison: Joint family projects. Individual and family growth.
Main
Sentiments: Hey! This is really working!!!
Advice: Talk! Deal with issues that could get swept under
the carpet for fear of shaking the “boat”?
Don’t take each other for granted
Stage Five: Mourning/Re-forming
Basic Question: Should we continue?
Basic
Characteristics: Group celebrates
achievements or disbands and mourns loss of group.
Marriage Comparison: Have we
hit a rut? Where is a butterfly when you
need one? Empty nest?
Main
Sentiments: I’m really getting tired of
this…is there anything better out there?
Advice: Talk! Push through.
Come up with new goals as a couple and start working towards them.
Araba’s Take:
This is what I’ve come to realize…
1.
The only way you can
succeed in your marriage is if you work together as a team. The Bible says in Amos 3:3 “Can
two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”
2.
The first two stages of any
team, including marriage are very difficult.
The duration of these difficult stages often depends on the maturity of
the people involved.
3.
The stages in marriage and
any team are not systematic. Most often,
we get to the norming or performing stages in our marriages
only to be thrown back to forming by the arrival of a new member of the team…baby
or by a situation in the marriage…
4.
Keep at it! I thought we promised each other forever…so
why the rush. Keep working at it and if
you ever hit the last stage…take my advice…stop!
collaborate and listen…sorry…develop new goals and reform.
It’s great to be part of a
team!
Cheers…
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