Marriage 101: The low down on making IT work!!! Araba’s 411!

So, after eight years of marriage I am sure I've earned the rights to give advice.  The grace of God, coupled with our own hard work and determination to make IT work has brought us this far.  So the following are some of my, our own no-nonsense approach to working at our marriages; especially in this age of no-fault divorce, global (and Ghana) economic

meltdown, Facebook, whatsapp, and straaange women (and men).

Disclaimer!  Do not try this at home!

·         The Rule:  Communication

Counselors, books, internet, and everybody else tell you to communicate.  But I find communication too tidy.  With communication, you have to think of channels, feedback, encoding, decoding, etc.  Too much technicalities.

Our Reality:  Talk!

We once had an out-of-town friend spend some time with us.  She described our “communication style” as “Araba talks for three hours and Nana nods and listens for the same duration”.  When we got married, I used to cry because my husband could go for three days without talking to me.  I later found that it was not because I had done anything wrong, it was just how he was.  How did I work around it…talk, talk, talk…basically ignore the silence and do what I do best, talk. 

My Advice:

Be very much afraid of silence in your marriage – the best way to know what’s happening in each other’s life is to talk about it. 

·         The Rule:  Get Help!

Generally, we are told to go to “elderly” people to help when we have major difficulties in our marriage.  That’s good advice and any marriage that is struggling should resort to this, it might help!

Our Reality:  Work it out yourself!

Having given you the rule, Nana and I believe in working out your problems yourself!  Really, apart from yourselves as couples, who else has major investments in your marriage?…no one!  Who has all the information needed to analyze and resolve any issues…you!  Unless you want to pour all the time, love and money (yeah, you heard me!) invested down the drain, you will pray-up! sit-up! talk-up! and make it work!

My Advice:

Minimize how often you bring people in.  The culture of sitting-up and resolving your own issues builds your confidence in yourself as a team and makes it easy to weather tougher challenges.

·         The Rule:  Romance is very important:

That is true!  Apart from sex, which is very, very, very important (uhuh!  I said it!), being affectionate with each other is also very important. 

Our Reality:  Your definition of Romance is very important:

We once spent some time with another couple, and came back home feeling very ‘kolo’ and unlovable.  I thought I was the only one who wondered if we could have what they had…apparently, Nana felt the same.  This couple was very big on PDA(public display of affection), and well if you know Nana and I…pda… we need lessons.  Well, fast forward, a few years later, this couple is not together again.  I think what is important in every marriage, is knowing how you express love and getting that back.  Mine is in acts of service, so, help me out around the house and I’d give you whatever you want…Nana knows that.

My Advice:

Don’t follow the rules, make your own and enjoy finding out what works for the both of you…

·         The Rule:  The Honeymoon phase will end…

I’ve heard too many people talk about how the honeymoon phase ends at one-point or the other in our marriage and how more often than not, a couple gets to a point in their marriage when the wonder if they marriage the right person.  That’s all true…

Our Reality:  It gets better with time…

Things are easier now for us than when we first got married.   I don’t know about you, but for Nana and I, settling into our marriage (after that one-week honeymoon tripJ) was a difficult one.  We both had too much to get used to, personality differences, financial management differences (to say it nicely), and scheduling difficulties, among others.  Over the years however, we’ve been able to work out most of these issues; we are well aware of our personality quirks, I’m the official CFO of the house, and we’ve pretty much gotten a hung of our own rhythm.  Not to make it sound too easy, we pray a lot, talk a lot and try to sit-up and frankly discuss our issues as and when they come up.

My Advice:

Marriage isn’t for sissies! If you want to make it work, you've got to work at it!